Wow.....it's been well over a year since my last, extremely personal, post. And A LOT has happened.

If you follow me on Twitter, you would know that I gave birth to a beautiful but very cheeky baby girl.

She was born July 2016 and will be 1 next week. she is extremely happy and smiley all the time except when she throws a tantrum which i didn't even know babies could throw them before the terrible twos. she's walking. good lord i wish she was still a newborn, all the running around I've been doing since she started crawling is tiring me out. but i wouldn't change her for anything.

I decided to call her Miya and yes it was after Natsuyaki Miyabi, but only because I had to look up the meaning of the the name as family would want to know why I picked the name. As much as I love Kanon, Miya was stuck in my mind and wouldn't leave. Plus i choose the kanji that means "extreme beauty", well the  translation that I preferred meant that, didn't like the temple meaning. But it was actually my little sister who came up with the final name, Miya-Michelle.

I wanted to give Miya the name Michelle as her middle name to pay respects to my aunt who died 12 yrs ago, so as everyone kept saying the names together, she said "why don't we just name her Miya-Michelle?" And it stuck. Although no one calls her but her full name, not even Calling her Miya, she got the nickname MiMi long before she was even born.

I won't go into details about the birth cos that's horrible and a little traumatic for me, let's just say that I'll only consider having another child IF Miya asks me for a little brother/sister. And when she does, I'll send her to ask her auntie Annie about why that's a bad idea to have a little brother due to her first hand experience with an extremely demanding little brother who has tried to teach a 4 month old baby to play Super Mario. Really, he was trying to teach her to play video games at 4 months. I caught him showing her the game and talking about how to play it.

Anyway, I'm trying to get back into my hobbies and trying to connect with people outside of my mama bubble, which is hard, especially since i have decided that Facebook is the root of all depressive thoughts and have, as of this post, not been on that evil site for 4 months (yay me!!) and yes i know that isn't helping with the whole escape mama bubble but i feel so free being away from there.

So hopefully, with the extremely limited personal time i have, i want to try and blog at least once a week because i want to show my daughter the wonders of idols and how just watching them do what they love and achieving their dream can encourage us to try and achieve ours. I'll start with trying to breakdown the last 3 1/2 years of thoughts on additions, graduations and singles.

No more excuses

I haven't blogged for over a year now and that's because I've had some situations happen to me that stopped me from doing something that I enjoyed. Even though I don't know who you readers are, you have been reading what I write and letting me voice my opinions on things and for that I really apricate you all.

To all those on Twitter that I talk to occasional, thank you for following me and my rants and sorry for not tweeting very much.

I know this is a blog for idol talk, but I need to get this off my chest in order to help myself heal. Please do not comment on this as I don't really have the courage to read them.

Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's like a rollacoster, it has ups, downs, turns, it goes fast and slows down. For some, the highs are constant and looking at them is like looking at a cloud that you can never reach. While for others, it's a bottomless pit of nothingness. It's lonely and painful. That's where I am right now. I'm in a bottomless pit and I can see this tiny pinprick of a light but I just can't seem to reach it.

I was first diagnosed with depression in 2006, about 4 months after my aunt died. I was studying at university to become a theatre technician. I was struggling with the course as I am a slow reader, writing is a chore and deadlines make me panic to the point that I'm so stressed out that I spend more time sleeping then doing anything else. When my aunt died, it was a huge blow to me. She was the aunt who was closest to me in age being 15 years older then me, and was the aunt who was always out with her friends and having a good time. She never told anyone that she was suffering until it was too late.

She didn't really kill herself, she just stopped caring about herself. She was hospitalised once before for not looking after herself after she had twins what died but after she had my cousin she seemed fine. It's tough not seeing her smile and laugh.

The doctor told me that it was just stress and that I need to talk about what's making me so stressed. So I dropped out of uni to concentrate on getting better, and I did, it took a few months but I got out of it and went to do another course to do what I wanted to to.

Leaving home was stressful but I enjoyed the freedom and independence I gained from not being at home. Yes I was broke but as long as I was happy, it was ok. I completed the course and gained a foundation degree. I wanted to study something else not connected to that course as I learned that I wasn't really suited to that stressful environment so I applied to do a fashion course to being up my designing and clothes making skills but I couldn't continue as I didn't have the funds to do that course and live away from home. So I reluctantly returned.

The depression flared it's ugly head again sometime between 2009 and 2011, I don't really remember what caused it to return but what I do know is that it was my family who noticed something wasn't right with me. So for them I went and sort help. The only thing that worked was taking anti depressants which no one wanted me to take, but it worked and all I cared about then was making sure that my family was happy and that I looked happy.

I managed to get myself a job, which I hated, and tried to manage doing what I wanted with having a job. I ended up giving up doing things that I loved doing because of my hatred for the job I was doing. I knew that the job was harming my already unstable mind but I kept up with it. Counting down the seconds before I could leave for the day. I developed joint pains in my wrists and ankles and started having sharp pains which lasted for 30 minutes each time because of the job but I didn't give it up.

September 2013, I had nearly £200 taken out of my account due to someone hacking my cousin’s Xbox and that put me into some financial trouble which I'm still kind of paying for even now as I write this. It took 4 months for the bank to sort it out. And in those months, more money left my account. I started getting stressed again and slowly started to seclude myself from everyone I loved.

I didn't want to go out, I didn't want to watch telly, I didn't want to do anything but sleep. Eating became a chore as well. The only reason why I ate was because I had to due to work but I lived on 1 meal a day for months. I just didn't care about myself and I just wanted everything to end. I felt alone. I felt that no matter what I did, I wasn't moving. Picture being In a race and your running but nothing is moving. You can see everything and everyone flying past you but your going nowhere. That's how I was feeling.

What made me want to end everything was having debt agencies harress me constantly, my cousin getting into trouble and making my grandmother sick and my manager telling me that my piroites are wrong that work should be my only pirority and that I should leave my grandmother to the rest of my family, I lived with my grandmother at that point so I got extremely angry and refused to do any work which my supervisor told was ok after he heard what that manager had said to me.

I went to go visit my friend in Nottingham and while there, I felt like there was nothing for me there. I didn't feel comfortable and when I went home, I found more letters from debt agencies. I tried to find a solicitor who could give me some advice on this problem but couldn't find the free law centre. I couldn't find anyone who could help me and I felt like the whole world was against me that I decided to take some painkillers to stop the pain I was feeling. I wanted all the pain I was locking inside me to end and I wanted all of my problems to go away and not trouble my family. I couldn't take it anymore. I just wanted it all to end.

What stopped me was my grandmother. She had lost her baby my aunt to depression and her eldest son and child, my uncle, to cancer. I didn't want her heart to break even more with me gone so I used her care line and got help.

The first person in my family to find out was my mother. I didn't realise I was hurting her so much. She went straight from work to the hospital when the people at the care line contacted her with what happened. Then my aunt arrived and for the first time I realised how much I was loved, that there was something really wrong with me to want to do something so final. It's still hard talking about it to anyone. Even trying to write it down is making me cry uncontrollably that it's hard to see. I'm still ashamed to admit that I tried to take my own life last year. If there are any gramma mistakes that I have made, I'm sorry, but I don't think I can read this back to correct any of it.

So, I moved back in with my mother, my gran sort of knows what happened but doesn't want to know and I started getting help. I need it. I went back on medication and started thearipy to find out why I'm feeling the way I feel and to find ways of changing it. It took me 3 months before I felt well enough to go back to work but I just couldn't act like nothing had Happened.

All that happened at the end of April 2014. Since then, over 8 month, I followed what my doctors said to me, I started making myself do things that once made me happy like sewing and baking. I started talking to my mum more and more about everything that was bothering my and started trying to make my life feel better then I was feeling it was. I eventually left my job due to feeling like I was never going to get better in a job that was making me sad.

Funny how when you start getting rid of all the bad things in your life, good things start to happen. So now I'm crying for good things now. Less then a month after I quit my job, I met my boyfriend. He's so sweet and kind, smart, caring and no matter how I'm feeling, he always makes me smile which is hard at the moment as I've just had my tooth taken out and it hurts to smile.

If I hadn't of left my job, I'd have never brought the ticket to go see Babymetal and I would have never moved over to let a disabled lady lean on the barrier which made me push him and I wouldn't have made it to today to feeling like there are something's in life to live for.

So I have no money, no job, I live with my mother in an estate I hate and all my friends live so far away from my that its very lonely, ok so most of my friends live far, I do have a few that live close but they are very busy. I'm slowly getting to a place that I can safely say that I'm truly happy. I know my family are still worried about me and I'm trying to find ways to get myself back. To get the girl who had a vision for her life and wanted to explore what this life has to offer back. To dig her up after the woman buried her a year ago.

I'm not writing this to get sympathy from anyone, I don't want it. I don't need it. Not because I feel like I deserve it because I truly feel that I don't, but because I need people to understand that depression is different for everyone and some people want the sympathy, some want support and some want both. I want support but I want the support of having people know that there was something up with me but that I haven't changed. I'm still the same kind, creative person I was before my condition, she's just trying to see how much light is really out there in the world. I just want people to know that life IS like a rollacoster, you just can't let the downs keep you down.

Thank you for reading. Please know that this was very hard for me to do but it's also helping me to overcome it.

I'm Kira and I suffer with dyslexia, depression and anxiety. This blog helps with my dyslexia and hopefully writing this post will help me with my depression.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Another Reason Why DAWA is Now (For the Second Time in Her Idol Career) My Least Favourite Member of S/mileage

She's ******* lazy in the Hair Arangement section for this episode. Rina was my least favourite due to how bored she looks but this just takes the piss now.

Juicy Juice Time

This is really gonna test my memory now.

So last year while I was being a lazy git, Tsunku announced a new unit.

Yay new blood. Just what the doctor ordered.

Didn't really care at that point that who was going to be in the group but just excited that a new group was being formed.

Got even more excited to hear that Miyamoto Karin, Otsuka Aina and Takagi Sayuki were going to be in it.

Karin has got to be the most talked about KSS after Meada Yuuka and Sayubee was this bubbly ball of energy on stage. They were among my favourites in the KSS programme. Aina, I remember from the 9th gen auditions. I wasn't in the group who wanted her in (I wanted either Mogi or all of them in) but I was glad that she got her chance to debut. A chance to show what she had learned from her time with the KSS.

As for the other three, Miyazaki Yuka, was a bit strange to me. She has a good voice but I hadn't seen her dancing skills to fully judge her. Uemura Akari and Kanazawa Tomoko were complete mysteries to me. They were newbies, especially Kanatomo.

When I heard their name and the reason behind it, I immediately thought about what I read about Berryz Koubou and how Miyabi had given each girl her own fruit (Saki - Strawberry, Momoko - Peach, Chinami - Orange, Maasa - Watermelon, Miyabi - Cherry, Yurina - Pink Grapefruit, Risako - Chinese Pear). Made me think that they were going to replace them soon. Not a good feeling.

When their first indie single was announced and performed, I actually liked what I heard. It was mature and very different from what the rest of H!P was doing. It established Karin and Aina as the front girls with Sayubee and Kanatomo as the middle and Yuka and Akari as backups.

I was quite impressed with them until I heard Aina's vocals. Live, she was fine, but recorded, she hurt my ears. I couldn't take her vocals. While Kanatomo was like chocolate to my ears. Where the hell did Tsunku find this girl?

Second indie single and I felt that this group was strong. I was waiting for Tsunku to trun around and say that he was adding/subtracting members but it didn't happen. This song confirmed how strong in terms of talent this group is. Even though Yuka is the worst dancer in the group while Akari is the most nervous singer, it didn't take away from my enjoyment of their performances.

Ten Made Nobure! Not a fan of this song....for the group. But for the KSS's, its perfect. This didn't fit in with their image and to this day, they don't really perform it with out the KSS.

soon after the release of the KSS song, they get the news of their major debut.

Seriously?!? You made C-ute, Mano Erina and S/mileage wait 4 singles and you give these girls only 2 (not including Ten Made Nobure) singles? Although it didn't seem fair, they were ready.

Then Tsunku also announces a big FUCK YOU to Sayubee's leadership and gives it to her Kohai, Yuka, just cos Yuka is older, then another massive FUCK YOU to being sub-leader to her and gives it again to her kohai, Kanatomo. I felt bad for the girl as up until that point, she was acting as leader and everyone in the group was looking up to her for guidance. You could see her face drop for a second when that announcement was made.

Then Aina's parents pulled the plug on her career with H!P. Personally, I think she either wasn't doing good at school, her parents thought UFP was AKS or they wanted Aina to be more featured in the group then Karin. Although Tsunku has said that the group will carry on as a 5nin, I was, and still am, afraid that Tsunku will add more girls to this group and do a S/milage on us.

Now for their major debut.  A triple A-side. First H!P group to do this. Shame the other two songs were just edits of their first two Indies but boy am I glad they did that. Didn't think I could listen to Aina's voice anymore. As sad as I am to see her go, my ears are happy about not having to hear her in single versions. (Sorry Aina fans, I like the girl just not her vocals)

These girls are going from strength to strength. Their sales a excellent for a rookie group. Over 40,000 for their debut!?! Ranking at #3 on the Oricon weekly chart for their debut!?! (I know Passport did the same and got a #1 on their major Debut so this is nothing but I'm not a Passport fan (can't seem to get into them))

I would say that my favourite member is Takagi Sayuki followed by Kanazawa Tomoko. Miyanoto Karin was never my favourite favourite KSS, but I do rate her quite high. Its just I've fallen in love with Kanatomo's vocals and can't seem to drag myself away from them.

Akari is my least favourite member just cos I like Yuka's vocals better. It was really hard to rank these girls as they all have something unique about them. I like all of them, which is really weird for me. The only other group like that is Dream5.

So to clarify,

1. Takagi Sayuki
2. Kanazawa Tomoko
3. Miyamoto Karin
4. Miyazaki Yuka
5. Uemura Akari

I'm looking forward to seeing that this group does in the future.

Just to let you know

While I am blogging again, I'll be using bloggers mobile app for most of my posts. This is due to the computer I use being piss takingly slow no matter what I do to speed it up.

Please forgive me for the lack of pics/vids in my future posts.

My 2014 Predictions.

Happy new year everyone.

Sorry for completely ignoring the blog. Been having a hard time trying to stay awake after working double shifts for months on end.

So I've decided to do this predictions post to get me back into the swing of things.

Morning Musume '14

They will perform on Kohaku!!
I was disappointed that they didn't get invited to perform but as the saying goes "when one door closes, another opens".

They appear more on TV.
And not just for promotion of singles/albums, but for just being them.

Sayumi doesn't announce her graduation.
Like hell she can. She wants to perform at Kohaku again so she has to stay until she's 27.

#kanon2014
If you follow me on twitter, you'll know that I started using this hash tag for Zukki. THIS IS HER YEAR TO SHINE!!!!! She's defending her weight on TV, her vocals ate beautiful and she (finally) got a line in a single that's in the section that will be performed. THIS IS HER YEAR!!!!!

Berryz Koubou

They actually get a budget.
Bigger budget means better PV.

They make an album that's not boring.
I was very disappointed in their last 2 albums. 6th Otakebi Album was the first album I got from them back when I first started getting into Hello! Project. So for me that is their greatest album.

Make it the Berryz Koubou show not the miyabi/Risako show featuring Berryz Koubou.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think there is anything wrong with having the two best singers in the group lead but when they sung 3/4 of the song but themselves for majority of the single releases, it does get borning......quickly.

They remind people that they do have great group chemistry.
This relates to their budget. Remember when they had good PVs and their group chemistry was showing more? Didn't they have a better budget then?

No-one graduates.
I've been reading that a lot of people think that someone (namely Captain) or all are going to graduate this year. Please don't.

C-ute

No-one graduates.
They've got a good thing going at the moment. Having a member graduate now will hurt the group, especially with the tabloid media trying to get Airi fired for having a (non existent) relationship.

S/milage

They continue to get happy, smiley songs.
Yatteruchan was the best thing to happen to them this year. They need more songs like that.

They step up their game and have a chance to perform at Budokan in 2015.
With J=J in the screen, the girls need to step up and show that they are not another Berryz Koubou.

Katsuta Rina becomes interesting.
The girl needs to act like she wants to be there. Right now, I feel it would be best if she gtfo. She got picked over Kanoko Rie who just left H!PK after 5 years. A girl who always showed us just how much she wants to be an idol. A girl who never got the chance to debut, but this girl did and she looks like she doesn't want to be there.

Nakanishi and Takeuchi get a Photo book.
Kana is beautiful and Akari has this tomboy coolness going on. Wouldn't a pb with just them in it acting like lover be great? Especially if Sayumi or Fukuda puts in the ideas.

Juice=Juice

They perform on music station.
They're good enough and hungry enough to do this.

They announce that their going Budokan before S/milage.
It happened to C-ute, it could happen to them.

They release an album and have their first nation wide tour.
Nuff said.

Hello! Project Kenshuusei

A new unit is announced.
I like the idea of having the girls from the 12th gen audition forming their own unit. Also Sasaki Rikako, Hamaura Ayano, Kosuga Fuyuka and Tanabe Nanami need to debut. So that's two new units I would like to see announced.

On a side note, it would be nice to see another group achieve that #1 on or icon. I think that either C-ute or Juice=Juice might get that what with their sales and promotions.

Because it's Christmas.......

Because it's coming up to Christmas, i would like to do a contest.

It will only last 2 weeks but the winner we receive one copy of a regular version of any  Hello! Project/OOO48 single they want, Including any extra's that CD Japan happen to still have.

Actually there are 2 contests that I'm doing, the other one is exactly the same but with Dream5.

So to enter, you have to answer 2 questions:

1. What is your favorite song? - what you like about the song? what you feel when you hear the song? your first impressions of the song?
2. Who is your favorite member? - what you like about them? how did you come to like them? what makes them stand out the most to you?

The only conditions to this is that they must come from either Dream5, Hello! Project or any of the 48 groups, no graduated members and you can not post them in the comment section.

If you have a blog, please post it there and send me the link, if not, email me: kirakira1610@gmail.com. If you email me and you would like others to read it, i can post it to either blog (this is a general idol blog while the Dream5 blog can only host Dream5 related posts)

The deadline is 15th December 2012 and I'll announce the winner before Christmas as it will give me time to carefully read all the entries.

Happy Birthday

It's weird but there are only 2 idol's birthdays i can remember without a prompt, one is Momoworld and the other one is

Amina Sato is 22 today. Happy Birthday Amina.

This is because, momoworld's birthday is the same day as my mum and aunt and Amina's is the same day as me.

So Happy 22nd Birthday to Amina and Happy 27th Birthday to me. May we have many, many more.